At Least Have Some Conviction

If you've decided that you're going to shoplift, and you still decide to go through with it even after a sales clerk has had an awkward conversation with you where you BOTH KNOW what you are about to do, then at least do us the service and follow through. I mean, honestly. At that point, it's a game of will and nerves: we're on to you, and you're looking for the thrill (if I'm to believe the psychologists) and I'm competitive; there are few things I hate more than being disappointed.

So when this somewhat flustered older man decided to stuff 4 bottles of wine into a paper shopping sack, my associate started up a conversation with him. My associate offered the man one of our complimentary wine bottle bags (on purpose, as a way to start a conversation.) Because if you have a conversation with someone who is showing signs of wanting to thieve, you a) have an excellent view of their face without being skulky or obvious about it; and b) you tend to remember more details about their description, in case they do slip through and get out of your establishment and you need to alert other employees about possible future endeavors.

But I digress. This slightly frumpy older man proceeded to the front of the store. My associate alerted me to what was going on, so I split for the front of the house. My favorite spot for scoping out thieves-in-action is from the other side of the registers, either near the baggers (sometimes I'll even bag for the person in question) or somewhere between the cash stands and the exit. It gives me an unobstructed view of every person involved in all transactions, without blocking egress or drawing much attention. Except, this time he saw me looking at him. He hadn't done anything wrong yet (aside from putting the wine in the bag--that's concealment in our state, and technically shoplifting--yes, that's right, it IS possible to shoplift before ever passing the point of purchase) so I found it amusing that he was already nervous. I decided to keep looking right at him. So, he pulls out his cellphone and pokes it a few times, opening and closing it, holding it up to his ear like he's listening to a voicemail or whatever--and he abandons his cart just as the person in front of him finishes up their transaction. He walks right by me and out the door. Chickenshit!

So for fun and for further info for my warning email later, I step outside and watch what car he goes to. What luck! A front spot. I don't even have to leave the sidewalk to write down his license plate # and make and model of car. And that's when he saw me writing.

Theivus Interruptus: *shouting from a distance* Do you have a problem?!?
Me: *ignore* *pretend not to hear/pretend not to know the question is directed at me*
Me: *scribble scribble*
TI: *walks up to me* Do you have a problem, Michele?
Me: Are you...talking to me?
TI: Yeah, I am. I saw you writing down my license plate number.
Me: I don't know what you're talking about.
TI: Right there--you were writing down my license number.
Me: Uh, I'm standing here getting a breath of fresh air and writing down some notes for next week's schedule. *unfolds last week's schedule and shows him*
TI: No, well, no, you were writing it down in that-- *points to note pad*
Me: What? This? *flips it open, it's full of scribbled notes from meetings and phone lists*
TI: Uh. Well. Anyway.
Me: Oh, since you're back, I wanted to ask you: are you going back in to buy that wine, or should I put it back when I'm done here?
TI: No, no I'm not going to buy it. I have to take this call, and I don't have time. That's why I walked out. This call is important.
Me: Ah. Well, you know, you could have taken the call in line. People do it all of the time.
TI: It is too loud in there! I had to leave!
Me: Oh, good point. Well, have a nice day.
TI: Since I'm here, I might as well go get the wine.
Me: Oh, great.

The exit door could not have picked the perfect time to slam shut. LOLOLOL

TI: How am I supposed to get back in?!?!!
Me: ...this is the exit door..? Here, I don't usually do this, but...*pries door open with hands* ...there. Go ahead inside.

Lord. He did end up buying that wine. I talked to the cashier afterwards to find out if he'd said anything to her. She said that she told him that if he bought two more bottles, he'd get the 10% discount. He said, "Oh, I don't have enough money for that."

Yeah, I bet you don't. Why bring money to a store you're planning on ripping off?

PS Yeah, I shouldn't have lied to the guy about writing down his plate, but man, I had just worked a 9 hour shift without a break. It would have gotten SO MESSY if he had gotten up in my face more than he already had.