Lady & the Tramp - The Kiss Scene

It's That Awesome Time of Year Again!

Just kidding--it's not, really. Ha HA!

Good gravy (notice how timely that expletive is), it is nearly Thanksgiving. I can't believe I've withheld ridiculous customer service stories since August. Well, no time for that now! It's turkey time, and you know what that means. People are starting to fall off of their fucking nut.

Last night, a customer got rabid with one of my associates because the blue cheese she had him custom cut didn't have enough mold in it. Hey, take it or leave it, lady. He didn't do anything to the cheese, he didn't make the cheese, so I'm not sure what you think yelling at him is going to do for the cheese. I thought the wheel of Valdeon was one of the best looking, best tasting wheels we've seen in literally YEARS. Supple, luscious, creamy. I guess she'd grown to love the rank, dried out crud we're usually stuck with most of the year.

Just before I clocked out, I answered a phone call from an elderly lady. She was terribly sweet, and patient, but holy moly, I thought just keeping the old folks off of the road was enough. Silly me forgot that if you can't drive no more, the only thing left to fill the time is to call the local market and ask the same questions 50 different ways, each.

Old Lady: Hello, could you tell me what Thanksgiving service you'll have next week?
Me: Do you want to know what food we'll have on our hot bar? On Thanksgiving?
Old Lady: Yes, for take out. How much will that be?
Me: We do have seating inside the store, if you'd like. On Thanksgiving, we'll have various Thanksgiving type dishes on our hot bar. It will be for the same price as every other day, $7.99/lb. Have you been to our store before?
OL: Oh, yes. We eat at the salad bar sometimes.
Me: OK, well then you know we have the hot bar too, right? We'll have the usual Thanksgiving items, like turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, etc. I don't know exactly what will be available, but we should have the bases covered.
OL: Will there be vegetables?
Me: Yes.
OL: And turkey?
Me: Yes. I'm not sure if we'll have dark meat, but there will be sliced turkey breast.
OL: There won't be turkey?
Me: Uh, yes. We will have turkey on the hot bar. There will NOT be a turkey carving station, so in all likelihood, the turkey will be limited to sliced boneless breast.
OL: Will there be green beans?
Me: ...most likely..?
OL: And how much is that?
Me: The hot bar is $7.99/lb.
OL: How much is it for 2 people?
Me: That depends on how much food you choose to take.
OL: No, how much is your 2 person turkey dinner for take out?
Me: That is $29.99, but the turkey will need to be cooked by you when you get home. It is a raw turkey that is included in that setup. It is not the same as our hot bar take out.
OL: OK...thank you.

Now, she was perfectly nice, as I said earlier. What makes this call particularly fantastic is that about 5 minutes earlier, I'm pretty sure her husband called and interrogated one of my co workers using the same questions. I could hear him prompting his wife over the phone during my turn. After I got off of the phone, my co worker told me that the (probably) husband? Had called her two separate times in the last 30 minutes, like it was a quiz and she might have changed her answer. For Pete's sake, people: we don't want to fuck with you, WE WANT YOUR MONEY. You don't get repeat business by effing around!

It's Somewhat Comforting that Some Things are Universal

I love this, not only because of the style, but because of the subject matter. LOL, no matter what kind of business you're in, people will request the ridiculous.

Photograph of Jesus by Laurie Hill in association with the Getty Images Short & Sweet Film Challenge from Hulton Archive on Vimeo.

Huagh

But wait, there's more for July 12th.

Late last night, I was checking up on my Flickr pages and I noticed that someone had "favorited" one of my photos. Kewl. Except the photo they had chosen--out of over 2700 photos--was one of my father, asleep in a recliner.

WTF?

So naturally, I clicked on the Flickr member's profile.

I very much wish I had not. Now, I normally do not care what gets people off, but I have a new line now. And that line is right before you pick out a photo of my old dad because you have an old man foot fetish. And a grandpa fetish. *full body shudder*

A Two Parter, to Make Up for Lost Time

I've got two from yesterday. Woo!

Exhibit A:

Customer: Do you have more of this? (The customer is clearly holding something in one of her hands, but she is holding down low near her waist.)
Retail Clerk: More of what, dear?
Customer: This. Do you know if you have any more of it?
Retail Clerk: I'm sorry, I can't see what you've got there. Could you show it to--
Customer: If you can't SEE it, then you don't KNOW. (walks off)

Exhibit B:

Customer: I wanted to know which cheeses are made by people who don't kill their cows when the cows are finished giving milk.
Retail Clerk: ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man, I would have given my eyeteeth to have participated in Exhibit B. If you don't know that pretty much all cows go to the knackers when their milking seasons are over, your reality needs more adjusting than we're capable of at the market.

Let Me Tell You an Oldie But Goodie Today

We have a catchphrase at work: "How could this have happened?!?" You say it like you're on a soap opera, or with a heavy dose of faked incredulity. "HOW could this have HAPPENED?!?" No dramatic pauses, though, please.

It started with (surprise) a customer.

One day, my boss was summoned to the customer service desk. There, an older woman waited for him.

My Boss: Hello, how can I help you?
Woman Customer: Well, every day I come here for lunch and buy a beef samosa and a drink and go back to work and eat there.
MB: O.K.
WC: I walk over to your sandwich case and pick up the samosa from the same place it always is.
MB: Yes.
WC: Well, yesterday I got back to my desk and bit into my samosa and it wasn't a beef samosa!
MB: The package was mis-labeled? I am terribly sor--
WC: No, no, it had the correct label. It's just that the beef samosas weren't where they ALWAYS are. Someone had put the chicken samosas in their place!
MB: What...?
WC: I want to know HOW could this have HAPPENED?!? I walk over to the sandwich station every day, and every day, the beef samosas are right there, in the same row, but not yesterday. They were put out in the wrong order.
MB: But you say they were properly labeled.
WC: Yes, but I shouldn't have to read the label if they're put in the same spot every day!


...and that is why "HOW could this have HAPPENED?!?" is uttered every time something stunningly stupid happens at work.

My Parting Gift from Today

I was buying milk after clocking out when the cashier at the register behind me paged for my department. So, I turned around and said to Crazy Kate (the cashier), "Hey, I'm right here, what's up?"

CKtC: Hey, this customer wanted to talk to a manager about the coffee.
Me: Sure.
Customer: I was wondering why it is so difficult to buy coffee here.
Me: ...coffee?
Customer: Yeah, I'm not allowed to mix the coffees, and apparently you have to write down a 3 digit code so the cashier knows how much to charge? I don't have time for that.
Me:
Customer: Why is it so hard to buy coffee here?
Me: Well...it isn't.
Customer: It *isn't*?? It's all priced differently! Why? I can go down the street to Fresh...Fair?
Me: Fresh Market.
Customer: Yeah, I can go down there and buy and mix any coffee I want, and it's all $8.99 a pound. I BUY KONA THERE FOR $8.99. Why don't you guys do that?
Me: We have more single estate coffees than they do, and we pay a fair price to the farms, and it costs more depending on how far it travels and how much transportation costs.
Customer: They have Kona! Do YOU have Kona??
Me: No. It's a little expensive right now and the quality isn't as good as it should be for the price they're asking right now.
Customer: I just don't understand why you don't do what they do, and just make all bulk coffee one price. I had to put this poor woman through looking through her little book there, looking for the code for this coffee because she needs it to charge me correctly. How much is this coffee?
Me: I don't know, because "rainforest" isn't a specific coffee we sell.
Customer: It said it right on the bin!
Me: Yeah...that's a separate sign letting you know that that coffee is part of the Rainforest Alliance group. There are four different coffees with the same insignia. I'd have to know which of those four you have here.
Customer: WHAT? JUST PRICE THEM ALL THE SAME!
Me: I'm sorry. We want to be more truthful about the pricing, so they are priced individually based on their landed costs. Have you considered that while you're buying Kona for only $8.99/lb, Fresh Market is overcharging you for less expensive coffees at lower quality?
Customer: I buy *Kona*. For $8.99/lb.
Me: Well...I'm sorry you have to go to Fresh Market for it.
Customer: Here.

WTF? If you can't follow simple instructions, I do not know what to do with you, it's official.