Quiz Show

Sometimes that's what working the counter feels like. People will walk up, not say "hi" or "hello" but will get right to their question. "Where is the bathroom?" is far and away the most popular. I don't think it's because of humanity's fascination with feces, though I think it is. It's just one of those questions people tend to ask after they've gotten 2/3rds of the way around a store full of free food samples.
Other common questions are:

"I am having x number of people over, how much *insert item here* will I need?"
"Where is your parmesan?"
"Where is your fresh mozzarella?"
etc.

Some don't pose questions at all. Some make statements:

"A half pound of maple ham." Well. Aren't you friendly?

Yesterday, one of the people I helped was a nice old lady who was obviously shopping for someone else--most likely a grown son or daughter. At the end of our transaction, she paused and said, "Wait, I do need one more thing..." She held up a bag of coffee in one hand and a paper-clipped stack of small note paper in the other hand. "Are these the same?"

I...what? So I said, "One is a stack of paper and the other is a bag...of...coffee?" Hey, you never know when you're going to be on Candid Camera. That show scarred me for life.

It turns out that she had an old coffee bag label in that stack of paper. Which, now that I think about it, I should have known. Because I am a mind reader in my spare time.

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe you're crazy

When two Customer Service minions were leaving work on Saturday afternoon, they sang the Gnarls Barkley song "Crazy" as they left the building. Unfortunately, at that moment one of our long-time for-real crazy customers was coming in to shop. She overheard the two singing and assumed they were singing about her. She proceeded to chase them into the parking lot and yell "If I hear you call me crazy again, I will have you fired!"

Oh, how we laughed and laughed. Poor minions--they had no idea Madam Crazy was even present, much less within earshot.

Tell me--when you buy an iPod, is part of the price giving up your manners?

Friday night, a fellow walked up to the cheese counter and caught my eye. We stood there, looking into each other's eyes--not in a romantic way, but because a) I can't look away when a customer makes eye contact like they are about to ask a question, and b) this man obviously wanted my attention. I nodded and smiled, yet he didn't make a move or a sound. Why?

I'll tell you. He was wearing an iPod. He had both ear buds planted firmly in his ears. OK, when someone walks up to you like that, what do you do? I figure, the iPod must be on. So, I'm not going to do much beyond give a visual cue that yes, I can see you and yes, I am available to you for assistance if you would only take those cocking things out of your ears. Finally, he spoke. "Hi. I need some wine help." OK, then. We walked over to the big wall of wine. He told me he was looking for red wines that still retained some sweetness. He did not remove his ear buds. Not even one. For fuck's sake, it's an iPod. It's not like you're going to miss anything if you turn the fucker OFF to give someone a polite level of attention.

So I shouted every single recommendation to him, for fun.

The generation that will be taking care of you and I when we are oldies.

I can't even form a coherent sentence to say about this news story. I can't. From the AP:

Reports: Teen girls made pact to get pregnant

29 minutes ago

GLOUCESTER, Mass. - A pact made by a group of teens to get pregnant and raise their babies together is at least partly behind a sudden spike in pregnancies at Gloucester High School, school officials said.

Principal Joseph Sullivan told Time magazine in a story published Wednesday that the girls confessed to making the pact after the school began investigating a rise in pregnancies that has left 17 girls at the school carrying a child. Normally, there are about four pregnancies a year at the school.

Sullivan told Time that nearly half of the expecting students, none over 16, were involved. Sullivan said students were coming to the school clinic multiple times to get pregnancy tests, and "seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were."

Some of the girls reacted to the news they were pregnant with high fives and plans for baby showers, Sullivan said. One of the fathers "is a 24-year-old homeless guy," Sullivan told the magazine.

Superintendent Christopher Farmer confirmed the deal to WBZ-TV, saying the girls had "an agreement to get pregnant."

He said the girls are generally "girls who lack self-esteem and have a lack of love in their life."

Christen Callahan, a former Gloucester High School student who had a child when she was 15, said on NBC's "Today" show that some of the girls would ask her about her own pregnancy.

"They would say stuff like, oh, I think my parents would be fine with it and they would help me, stuff like that," Callahan said.

But she said she had no firsthand knowledge of a pact between the girls to get pregnant.

"They were just kind of like curious about it, they never actually came out and said it," Callahan said.

The first reports of the students' apparent plan to get pregnant were in the Gloucester Daily Times in March, when Sullivan said students were reporting that the girls were getting pregnant on purpose.

The rash of pregnancies has shaken the seaside city about 30 miles north of Boston. Last month, two officials at the high school health center resigned to protest the resistance from the local hospital to the confidential distribution of contraceptives. The hospital administers the state money that funds the clinic.

Are you kidding me?

#1. As soon as we opened this morning, I was summoned to maintain visual contact with a woman in SpongeBob SquarePants scrubs who was seen stuffing bottles of vitamins into her large purse. She knew she was being watched, eventually, but instead of the two normal responses to being observed* she continued to shop in a most erratic way for 30 more minutes. Bizarre. Also, just because your pediatric nurse/dental assistant wears cute scrubs, does not mean she is not a huge but inept thief.

#2 Just before lunch, I was called to Customer Service about a customer with a "credit card fraud" issue. Customer claims to have been double billed on his credit card from lunch on Friday. It's certainly within the realm of possibility, and I was all ready to investigate further, but...he didn't bother to bring in the receipt OR the credit card statement. OK, seriously? What can I do without either of those things? At least bring in the statement--with a little time and the credit card #, we can search for the transaction and get a new copy of the receipt. But to just walk into a store and claim to be overcharged..? Maybe I ought to try that some time. "I bought tires here but I was charged an extra $300. What are you going to do about it?" That's it! That's my elusive step 2!

#3 After lunch, I was asked to observe another customer. She was witnessed stuffing two large cookies into her purse. OK, Customer Service, how will I know which woman to follow? Oh, the one assisted by an OXYGEN TANK, of course, of course. *sigh* I found her sitting in our cafe, eating a plate lunch.

Me: Hello.
O2: Why, hello. Is my cart blocking the way too much?
Me: What? No. No, it's fine. I was going to ask you something else.
O2: What, dear?
Me: Do...you have a receipt for your lunch?
O2: Why yes, I do. (shows me a valid receipt)
Me: You were seen putting cookies into your purse. They're not on the receipt...
O2: Oh, these? (pulls out a bag of two cookies) I was going to pay for them after lunch.
Me: I see. I should tell you that in this state, concealment is shoplifting. You have shoplifted.
O2: Oh, my. I had gone through the line and paid for my lunch, but then changed my mind on the cookies. I had been waiting for a table to open up, so I took one as soon as I saw it. But I was going to pay for the cookies after I ate this.
Me: But this area is beyond the registers. It's not OK to take things you haven't paid for beyond the registers. Or to hide them in your purse.
O2: Oh, OK. I will pay for them.
Me: ...
O2: What, now?
Me: *sigh* That would be ideal.
O2: ...would you pay for them for me?
Me: No.

Of course, when I related the story later to other people at work, I told them that I had pinched her oxygen tube until she agreed to pay. I have to keep up my reputation, you see.

*
1. Confront the observer by yelling that you're being falsely accused (even though nobody has said a thing.)

2. Move quickly, ditch the stuff you were trying to steal, and leave the premises without making any purchases at all.

Salumitorium, or the one where I discover the italics feature

The news about Pamela & Tommy Lee made me temporarily forget my salami stories from yesterday!

A guy asked Zac about the different salami in the case. Zac went down the list and when he got to our latest additions, the Fra'Mani stuff, the customer asked if Zac would "pull it out" for him. The others behind the counter LOST it. The guy was oblivious. Zac held it together and did indeed "pull" the salami out for him. Honestly, I can't remember the rest of the details of the event. I know there were more questions from the customers that just got more and more sexually suggestive and yet the guy appeared to have no idea he was soaking my team in a creamy broth of double-entendre. It reminded me of the older man who asked Leigh Ann and I for parmi-gina (40 Year Old Virgin fans, I'm looking at you) cheese.

Then, later on, another person started asking for the salami list. Herbed, turkey, Genoa, hard, two kinds of soppressata, pepperoni...oh and yeah, some new stuff from Fra'Mani. Nostrano, Gentile, Piccante and a regular, dry Salametto. "What's that?" she asks. "They're aged and cured in the traditional manner, so they've got a natural casing on them with that funky white mold growing on the outside. Pretty funky stuff." Says she, "Oh...extreme."

WTF. NO. It's not extreme, you Gen X twat.

In Defense of Marriage

Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson rekindle romance

By Alex Dobuzinskis Fri Jun 13, 5:29 PM ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The on-again, off-again love affair between Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and his ex-wife, actress Pamela Anderson, is back on again, according to Lee.

"Pamela and the kids have moved in with me," Lee told Rolling Stone in a story published on the magazine's website on Thursday. "It's awesome, man. It's definitely working. You can tell on the kids' faces -- they're happy when we're together."

Anderson's representative, Peter Asher, declined to comment.

Lee, 45, and Anderson, 40, married in 1995 and went through several breakups and reconciliations before finally divorcing in 1998. They have two sons together.

"We've only given it a try 800 times -- 801, here we go," Lee told Rolling Stone.

While apart, Anderson also married and divorced singer Kid Rock, as well as married then annulled her marriage to entrepreneur Rick Saloman.

She rose to fame as a model and actress on TV shows such as "Home Improvement," "Baywatch" and "V.I.P." She also has appeared in movies and posed for Playboy magazine.

Apart from playing in rock band Motley Crue, Lee appeared in the 2005 reality TV show "Tommy Lee Goes to College."

The pair also recorded an infamous sex tape that became public.

Reuters/Nielsen

All I can say is: thank goodness the gays aren't mucking up marriage in America. WHEW!